I CANT

Mum I can’t’

Said my previously school loving daughter

‘What if you try to go in and if you can’t cope I pick you up’

‘Mum I can’t’ she continued to sob

‘Zan, what can I do to make school bearable’

‘ I can’t, I just can’t’

With every tear, every shutdown, every scream

My heart breaks more and more

How did my previously school loving daughter get to this point?

Year 6 in Primary school, every member of staff was your safe person.

You knew everybody, everybody knew you.

Being Autistic wasn’t even something that needed highlighted as Primary school was extremely inclusive.

Being in Year 7, at a new school with 3 times the amount of pupils, that she is used too. In a massive building with no clocks, going to different classes, having to get used to so many different teachers, sitting in a classroom for 1hr 20mins, only having 30mins for her lunch break. Having to keep it all together.

When I pick her up from school, and she gets into the cars. Words aren’t exchanged but quiet heavy tears roll down her face- followed by.

‘Do I have to go back in tomorrow mum’

 183 days

183 days ago you said No

With no justifiable explanation 

Within those 183 days my son has deteriorated in of my eyes.

Our family has fallen apart physically & mentally.

Within those 183 days, I made several complaints.

You dangled a carrot but the carrot was half eaten!

183 days of me blaming myself for failing my son.

Overworking myself so much, resulting in me being rushed to hospital for emergency surgery.

183 days of your game play, that you can’t give my son or my family back.

I am a strong and courageous women, but within those 183 days you broke me!!

And all for what!!!???

APRIL IS.....

April is Worldwide autism awareness month

A time to open your heart to how amazing autistic children are.

A realisation that a child having a tantrum isn't just badly behaved.

A time to not prejudge the parent of a child, that is out of control licking the walls.

That the child playing alone in the school playground isn't just a loner.

That because my sons don't respond to you when you call their names, it doesn't make them rude.

A time to educate a teach others how and what autism is and the impact it has on family's.

April is also the month my 1st born Zach was born and when I met and said goodbye to my 4th son.

April/Autism awareness month is everyday for me, so please take the time to open your minds and be a little more autism aware than you was yesterday.

My clever boy

After Zachs annual review, we go ahead and request a change of setting.

Getting over the stigma of special school, I'm really excited about what this change would mean for Zach-he is growing up fast, would need more support and will hopefully get it.

So I have busied myself arranging open days and researching schools. We visit two schools in the borough, there is one that I like so I ask for them to be consulted with.

Within this time I still talk to and visit other schools, who always ask me what are his levels for each subject. When I tell them they say - they may not be able to support him academically but definatly in all the other areas.

While waiting for the chosen school to get back to us, Zachs local authority case worker kindly suggest I look out of borough and compiles a list of all the special schools out of borough.

I visit a majority of them and speak on the phone with the rest. Again they say his levels are too high!! He is too acacdemic.

The chosen school then get back to us - refusing to offer Zach a place because Zachs academic achievement is to high and most of the pupils in his cohort are achieving significantly lower than he is. They can't meet his academic needs but they can meet his social, emotional & sensory needs.

This is crazy!!

Zach can not cope with mainstream, we have tried for four years and failed.
But no special school will take him, because with the amazing support he has had  has the ability to learn.

I really don't know where to go or what to do!!

Too autistic to be mainstreamed, but too clever to go to a special school!!

I may have to consider home schooling.

Three peas in a pod

for the last 4years the beginning of term, has always been quite stressful for me but this year was surprisingly enjoyable and rewarding.

After the second day Of term, I go to pick up Zav from school. He comes out of his class with the biggest smile on his face and points to a shiny yellow badge attached to his school jumper which reads 'school council'. I ask him what does it mean and he says
'I have to help everybody and be good'
I start feeling overwhelmed with such pride. His teacher explains that he has been chosen to be on the school council, representing his class (the asd resource base) he then tells me
'I must wear it everyday mummy, Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday,Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday'

My Zav is on the school council, so so proud

Zach came home from school, first week of term and says

'Do you want to joke mum'
Me: 'pardon'
Zach: 'what do you call an angry pea'
Me: 'I don't know Zach'
Zach: 'a GRUMP PEA'

I laughed so much, I was amazed how funny he could actually be. His first joke.

Zi started at the school nursery, after spending 2 years at his previous one. Spoke to nobody and never made any friends. 3 weeks after starting Zi has spoken with his class teacher and is trying very hard to make friends.

I am extremly proud of my boys and am sure they will continue to blow me away.

I AM PROUD TO BE THEIR MUM

Deal with it

Why do I feel like a failure?

I've been waiting a while to speak with Zachs teacher to find out how things are going with him and what is going to happen with him in the new academic year.

He should be moving up to the next class within the unit which I am very worried about as he has been having even more difficulties than usual.

The last review was cancelled as his teacher was ill - so I haven't had my usual proper conversation with them in a while. So I call them on the last day of term to have a chat. I'm told although he should move up a class, he is going to stay in his current class as not to disrupt him, as he has been very unsettled.

Then the phone went quit for a few second!!

I ask when we can get together to do a review of his statement, they then say yes we need to do that Asap when school resumes in September because we need to talk about other options for Zach!!!

Other options I'm confused, the maximum time in any resource base is 2 years and then the pupil should be fully integrated in the mainstream school. Zach is going into his 4th year in the unit, only does 45minutes of integration and struggles with just that.

I ask what the other options are and they say special school. As they say that a tear rolls down my face.

They go on to say, it could be a long process and there may not be a place in a special school immediately for him, so will stay in the resource base until then.

When I got of the phone I continued to tear up and feel like I had failed him. Why I don't know.

What I do know is that Zach will need even more support than he gets in the resource base and special school will be best for him. I think the initial reaction was the stigma attached to special schools.

So now I'm faced with which is the best special school best suited for Zach.

Lonely Planet

One thing that you don't get told when your child/children get diagnosed, is how lonely and secluded the world becomes for us parent/careers.

Before the diagnosis you have a lot in common with all the mums. Get invited to coffee mornings, play dates and party's.

When you make it known your child has Autism, the invites for play dates and get togethers slow down and party invites dry up. So as well as your child being shut out so are you.

From their point of view, they don't know what to have conversations with you about, they can't compare notes, like they did before because your child is so much different to theirs.

Family is, in my case even worse. They feel it's just a label and I'm not doing the right things to bring up my children properly- ' just give them a smack, and they would be fine' !!

In time I met like minded parents & careers of autistic children, even some people who are not parents. Who are open minded and who don't judge. It's these people who we need more of.

BLOG TIP: If your not a parent or career: take the time to not judge and understand how hard it is for parents and careers of SEN parents.
The fact that your reading my blog means you have climbed the first mountain- Thank you